Wednesday, February 17, 2010

On your mark...

So after many posts about saying "I'm going to start..." I've joined a gym. So has my wonderful hubby! He went this morning and he feels great. Tonight I am taking my first Zumba class. I hope I don't pass out.

My brother is my motivation. While he is type 1 diabetic, I still have to be careful. I still can get type 2 or the one you get for being fat. While I know my blood sugar and blood pressure are always good, I can't bank on that forever. I'm 205 lbs. That is a scary number. A number in which I never wanted to see. I think I always told myself as long as I don't get to 200 I'm okay. Well that's not true. Even when I hovered and danced around it at 198 I still was as unhealthy as I am now. 7 lbs. That's nothing.

I'm not going to slam myself and call myself a fat pig. I'm making the change. I'm not even going to look at pictures of me when I hit my goal and think about that girl I used to be. I'm moving on. In some sort of weird logic I think that if I keep looking at the past perhaps that will eventually end up being my future. Confusing? Yes...let me explain.

People keep pictures and clothes from when they were their heaviest. As a reminder of what not to let themselves get back to. More often then not, unfortunately they don't stay at their ideal goal. Why? I truly think that somehow if you keep the clothes and focus on those pictures it's almost an unconscious invitation for failure.

So, yes I'm fat. Now I am. Later on I won't be. To beat yourself up and always live in fear is not a life you should live. I don't want that. I don't want my child to see me either eating myself to death or living in fear that I will go back to being fat. For most of my life I have either spent it berating myself for being fat, made fun of for being fat and for a brief period of time terrified I would go back to being fat. WHATEVER! Screw that...I want to LIVE. No more shame no more fear. NO MORE!!!

I've given up fast food for Lent. I am interested to see how that goes. I'm really going to have to make the effort to fix myself a snack (healthy) before going to the store.

Most importantly as I stated above I'm doing this for my brother. Diabetes is a real bitch. Excuse my language. Not to get into it since it's my brother's personal affairs. Should the time come and it very well may, that he needs a kidney I hope to be able to give it to him. It's just what family does. But how the hell would I be able to do that if I am 75 lbs overweight? So I have no other choice. This isn't a vanity issue. It started out as being that way but now it's taken on a different direction. So there you go. That's it in a nutshell. Time to really get started on living a healthy lifestyle. As always...

Onwards and upwards.

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